Posts tagged ‘Self Awareness’

Self Sabotage: The Perfectionist Defense

I’m an introspective person and love to learn my strengths and weaknesses. Awareness is how you grow into the person you’re supposed to be.

Which is why, after 2 days of uncharacteristic laziness, I started to search inwardly.

I am supposed to be writing seriously and sending books off to publishers. I have the time, the tools, everything is in order, so what’s the hold-up?

The road block is me.

I’m the person who’s the motivator. No one else is going to do the research for me. No one else is going to print the manuscripts. No one else is going to send the queries.

I’ve put in all of the work. This is the moment, I’ve been looking forward to. This is the easy part. So why can’t I find the energy?

I’m a self-sabotager.

We all have a tendency to run from things that scare us. Some of us are scared of failure, so we never start anything. Some of us are scared of rejection, so we never seek other opinions. Some of us are scared of change, so we stay in our comfortable bubble.

I’m scared of success.

I don’t know why but the idea of actually making it is my fear. Not because I don’t think I’m deserving. Rather, the perfectionist in me is scared that the product isn’t good enough. It’s the reason I’ve re-written the children’s books over ten times. It’s the reason I have received ten different critiques.

I secretly don’t want to submit something that isn’t perfect.

Which is irrational, because perfection is not an ideal. Especially when it’s your first time. Inexperience is the reason you make mistakes and why you are able to do better the next time. I’m not going to let myself sabotage the opportunities and gifts I’ve been given. All I can do is be aware of my faults, change my habits, and push forward.

That’s all anyone can do.

So I submitted my book and I’m starting a new one. One does not simply wait, instead, one is productive.

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Forget Me Not

I just started taking a new class to better learn how to channel my artistic abilities. As I’m reading the assigned book, I came across a quote from Deena Metzger that struck me:

“We know things when we are very young that we forget as we age.”

This is so true!

Think of all the things we accept so easily or the way we see the world as children. We don’t have to be convinced of faith. We believe Santa’s the man with the presents. We believe we’re all artists. We create and use our imaginations every day. We accept people for who they are. We don’t judge them or discriminate against them, we just befriend them.

So what happens to our brains that make these things that were second nature to us as children, suddenly the hardest things when we’re adults?

We can blame our environments. It’s the way we were raised and the culture we’ve grown up in. We can blame life itself. We learned more, we were hurt, we finally accepted reality. We can say it’s maturing. We’re too responsible for childish games and we don’t have the time.

But reallly who are we fooling? We are the masters of our own universe. The best gift we’ve been given in life is the ability to choose. Our free will is so important, we even founded a country on it. It smatters political ads and is imbedded in our speech. Whenever we can whip it out in arguments, we do. It’s like our trump card.

So why don’t we start taking the free will and admit the truth? We’re to blame for choices and decisions we’ve made.

They’re not all bad. We don’t want to take them all back and personally speaking, I wouldn’t change anything about my life now. Sure there are many things I’ve looked back on and been ashamed of or would do differently, but that doesn’t mean I regret them. If it wasn’t for the low points in life, you couldn’t truly appreciate the highs. If you were to go back to change things, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. Which is not something I’m willing to sacrifice, I love the person I am today.

Sure there are things I want to change but that’s life. We’re constantly changing and becoming new because we have new experiences and learning moments that shape our lives. We just need to start embracing them more.

Here’s to embracing my inner child that I know is still in me. I’m not going to stifle the five year old in me, rather I’m going to shape her into the creative person she was meant to be.